What About Me?
by rkat21
Summary: A post series one-shot in which Rory and Jess navigate through the past and their insecurities. I own nothing. Please review.


"Don't pretend to know me." Her blue eyes pooled with tears and her brown curls stuck to her face.

"I do know you. Better than any one actually." He stared at her face intently.

"Jess, don't-"

"No, Rory, you don't. You think you are this complicated creature, but I can read you. I've always been able to read exactly what you are feeling. That guy doesn't even know you." He didn't mean for it to sound harsh, but to the sensitive girl it was more than she could take in that intense moment.

They'd run into each other in Stars Hollow over Christmas vacation. She was walking arm in arm with a young man with the clean cut style of an anchorman. He was scribbling in a little notebook with earphones blaring The Kinks; his hair dark hair falling into his eyes. She happened upon the gazebo. Very few words were said. Rory just introduced him as an old friend and the anchorman as a her boyfriend, Michael. He'd heard the name last time he was near Rory. The pleasantries were made and Jess walked away putting a Clash song on.

Jess tried to ignore them for the rest of the trip, but when he happened upon them by the bridge he lost it. The gazebo was one thing, that was a major town landmark, but the bridge was out of the way. That was the most important place to him and to the relationship he once shared with the beautiful brunette. That was where they became a couple. That was where he realized he was in love with her. He just walked away. Six years before he would've provoked Michael then decked him, but this was adult Jess.

He was sitting on a bench in the town square smoking his first cigarette in over a year when she saw him. "I thought you quit."

"I did... mostly. This is more recreational." She nodded. He put out his cigarette. And looked up at her, "The bridge? Really?" Those three words triggered the argument that led them to the tears hat were spilling over Rory's pale cheeks.

She crossed her arms over her small frame. She stared up at him wondering where it all went wrong. How they became the people who yelled at one another in the street. She remembered a time five years before that he yelled the words she'd wanted to hear. She remembered being so overwhelmingly in love with him, that she couldn't help but run away. She remembered the night he showed up her apartment to give her a chance to go with him. She wanted to say yes so bad that night, but she knew she couldn't stop going to school.

The thought of these nights led her to that one night in Philly. She should have broken up with Logan before she went there. She was so wrong. She led Jess on. It wouldn't be the last time. And in that moment as she thought about that fact, she nearly collapsed with grief. How could she be that person?

She went to Philly that night with the intention of being with Jess. But she didn't. She said it was because she was in love with Logan, but she knew that it was the residual feeling for the only boy she never cheated on. She'd never admit it, but she even cheated on Michael. A few months after they started dating she ran into Jess in New York when she was on the Obama campaign. They talked, got drunk and let things go a little too far before stopping it. Jess was the only boy she'd ever been one hundred percent faithful to. She strayed from every other boyfriend she'd ever had. She never went far though, just to Jess.

"He does know me. He's known me for three years. We've barely spent that much time together." It was a feeble attempt at defiance. Rory knew this and tried to cover it by looking down, but her gaze was pulled up by a sharp pounding sound. She saw a tiny dent in the barely used metal payphone box thing and Jess's fist slightly red.

Jess drew a shaky breath that betrayed his stoicism. He let his anger get the best of him in that tiny rare moment. "Damn it Rory! Do you want me to prove it because we both know I can!" As he spoke he stepped closer to her. She didn't back down, but she didn't speak either. She just looked at him with those giant blue eyes spilling tears onto her cheeks. "Fine. Does he know when you're mad? Does he know when you're sad you don't like being touched? Can he tell the difference between you actually being happy and that face you put on for everyone? Can he tell when you put that same face on for him? Does he know how lonely you are when you're not in Stars Hollow? Does he know how you broke your arm? Can he argue with you about the same thing over and over again for years and still have fun with it?" A sob escaped Rory's throat as she listened to all these tiny little things that she never talked about with Jess (well except for her arm), but still, he knew.

It dawned on her that she didn't know any of these things about Michael or Logan or Dean. She could never tell with them what was below the surface. She always knew with Jess. Maybe the other three didn't keep much below the surface, maybe they were all of the breed to express everything. That was part of the appeal Jess held for her, there was this layer underneath that no one got but her. She knew him just as he knew her.

Why had she pushed him away? They'd met up a few times since Philly. They'd both been single for a couple of them. Still she pushed him away. She was scared that they were too much for one another. They never just loved each other. They shared a bond that was deeper than that; more complex. He too was terrified that it would forever change the beautiful, broken Rory that he'd known for so long.

She knew him better than anyone and in that moment she admitted to herself that he too knew her in a way that no one else ever could. Yes, her mother knew her and loved her and so did Lane and Luke, but this was different. Jess had no ties to her, he was just this ex-boyfriend, but here he was sitting and completely understanding her. He knew how her mind worked. He could see past the energetic, sweet, caffeine induced front.

Rory sank down onto the bench as she sobbed for this lost love and the pureness of it. She wept over her own ignorance. How could she have been so blind? Jess sat next to her, not touching her, but sitting so close that he could feel her shaking. She looked up a him, red faced and bleary eyed. "I don't know how to-" She cut herself off and drew in a quick breath as if she's lost all the air in her lungs.

"It's okay." The words were whispered and floated from his mouth like a stray feather. When she calmed down he asked her, "Do you love him?"

"Don't ask me that."

"I have to. Please, just answer me. I can't keep living like this. Do you love him or not?"

"No. I don't. I thought I might, but it would have been the same love that fueled my relationships with Logan and Dean. That's not good enough." As she spoke she heard truth come from her lips for the first time in so long. It almost felt wrong.

"What about me Rory? Am I good enough?" It came out harsh and abrupt. It was the question he'd been waiting to ask for six years. This would be the moment that determined the rest of his life. His hands shook in frightened anticipation. She looked up at him and he knew that no matter what, this would be an image that would haunt him for the rest of his life. This beautiful, broken girl sitting near him with curls sticking to her face. Her huge blue eyes rimmed with the red of tears. He knew that no matter what she said next he would be in love with her forever, and if she rejected him this picture would dance in his nightmares.

Rory contemplated her answer for a moment. She saw the frightened look she'd seen only once before when he asked if she was okay after their car accident. She knew that no one else would ever look at her that way. She lifted a hand and let her fingers rest on his jaw. He smiled sadly at her and turned his face towards her hand. He held his breathe as she spoke. "You are the only person in the world who has ever loved me through everything I've put you through. You are beyond good enough."

Jess closed his eyes and breathed again. He rested his forehead against hers and covered her resting hand with his. "I love you." It sounded like it had all those years ago, sad and out of breath. But it wasn't laced with the anger and bitterness that encapsulated it last time. This time, he knew what it meant. Rory pressed her lips lightly against his. When he tried to hold her there she moved away. "I have to go."  
>"Rory..."<p>

"Don't worry, I'll be back. I just have to take care of something." She kissed him again a bit more intensely this time. "I love you."


End file.
